My Promise
by arlf
Summary: "For a moment I could hear nothing, feel nothing, and see nothing. Darkness. Complete and utter darkness envelopes me." Third Quarter Quell. Peeta's POV. Oneshot. Sorry I suck at summarizing. *CONTAINS A MAJOR SPOILER FROM THE BOOK, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*


My Promise

Peeta M., Katniss E.

Peeta's POV

"NO!" I could just hear Katniss' cry as I slash away the vines in front of me, when suddenly I hear a sharp zap from where the vines were and I am jolted back painfully, thousands of volts cursing through my entire being, and then crashing into Finnick and Mags behind me.

For a moment I could hear nothing, feel nothing, and see nothing. Darkness. Complete and utter darkness envelopes me. After a few moments, however, I see light. It is bright. Very bright I have to squint my eyes shut for a bit and open them again for a clearer view. And then I see it, the view in front of me is overwhelming.

_Why am I here though? Has the arena somehow transformed into this beautiful place? Is this dangerous? It should be. I have to warn Katniss and the others. _I glance around but see no one._ Where are they? Why is no one here?_

And then it hit me. This is not the arena. This is somewhere else- a place far, very far from Panem - a place where Rue and the other tributes now live: _Dead _tributes.

The Meadow.

So this is it. This is how it feels like to die. I have never thought so much about how it would feel like before, mainly because I was so focused on protecting Katniss, on keeping her safe from harm, but this is how it actually feels like. It feels so peaceful in here, so calm and serene I would like to stay here forever. Yes. I _would _stay here forever. This will be my new home now. Away from all the craziness that is Panem. From all the chaos and havoc Snow causes. From Katniss, so she could finally live her life in peace, go back home to Twelve, to her family, to her pretend cousin Gale. Be happy. I know she would make a difference in Panem- in time. I know she would make it a better place to live. For her family, for Twelve, and for everybody else in Panem. She would forget about me eventually. And somehow, as hurtful and aching the thought is, it appeases me.

Thought? Why am I still thinking? Aren't I supposed to be dead? _Yes, I should!_ I should die. Die for her. Let her go home. But no, someone is trying to pump air into me, into my body. In my mind I so desperately try to reject it, to disallow it, but my body acts otherwise. It is taking it in. My body is taking the air in._ "No!"_ Is all I could think of,_ "Don't do it, just leave me here alone to die!"_ I conceive. But now I could faintly hear Katniss scream something, but could not catch the word. _Why? What's happening? Was she caught?_ This thought alone made my body shiver, my blood race. _Katniss Everdeen- the girl of my dreams, the love of my life- dead whilst trying to revive me from the same fate. _No, I mull over, I would not let it happen. Not to her, she has a whole life ahead of her; she has a family she really loves. As for me, I don't care anymore, no one really needs me. I need to save her, at all cost. This thought alone gave me a renewed energy, a hope that makes me want to live. Not for my family, but for her. _My Katniss._ I need to be here for her.

I could feel my chest slightly rise and fall now, I could actually feel it. Soon after I could feel all my senses come back. I'm alive once again. I have been given a second chance.

"Katniss," I say weakly, but no sound escapes from my throat. I am awake now, breathing air into my lungs- that I'm fully aware of, but am not sure if they know yet. Suddenly, someone hurls over to me. I know who it is. I smile at the thought.

"Peeta!" Katniss cries, a bit too loud for my still sensitive ears. I grimace, and she gets the hint. "I'm sorry," she says, whispering now.

"Don't be," I say weakly. She smiles as she lightly caresses my face, tears running down her cheeks. I kiss the back of her hand. "Careful though, there's a force field up ahead." I say, pointing to the open space where the vines were but now is an empty stretch of bare earth. I try to sit up, but to no avail, so I resort to lying down again. My head is throbbing. My whole body feels like lead. "Must be a lot stronger than the one on the Training Center roof," I pause to look up at her and smile. "I'm all right, though. Just a little shaken." I lie. And then it happened. I don't know what did it, or why it did, or if what I said was offensive, but her floodgates open. This is the first time I see her break down in front of me. I feel helpless, useless even. I should be here for her, comfort her, protect her. But I'm not.

"You were dead! Your heart stopped!" She's bawling now. She claps her hand over her mouth, clearly trying to stop the sobbing sounds her body makes.

"Well, it seems to be working now," I say, smiling weakly. My head is still throbbing, but I hope my smile would make her feel better, calm her down. "It's all right, Katniss." She nods her head but the sounds aren't stopping. I'm worried now, my brows furrow. "Katniss?"

"It's okay. It's just her hormones," Finnick says. I forgot they were here, and suddenly, I feel shy. I don't know why, but I do. "From the baby," he adds. Katniss looks up at him, sitting back on his knees, panting a bit.

"No. It's not—"she blurts out, but is cut off by an even more hysterical round of sobbing, her body shakes with every sound. Suddenly I feel something, something I have never thought would happen. I look at her suspiciously. Could this be? Is Katniss actually worried about me, my safety? Well, I know she is. She tries to keep me alive as much as I try to keep her alive. She doesn't want to disappoint my family, - well, my father at least - District Twelve, and maybe even herself. She failed, but only for a short while. But does she actually genuinely care about me? I hope so. I hope she does. This thought somehow warm my insides, a strange tingle forms. It makes me feel a bit better.

I try to calm her down, to comfort her, to assure her everything is going to be alright- but it doesn't work, so I just let her be.

I glance over to Finnick, who is looking strangely quizzical at me and Katniss - like the expression I had when I looked at her- as if trying to figure something out. I know what he's thinking though, he's curious if Katniss really is concerned about me, questioning if this is for the cameras or not. He quickly shakes his head slightly as if to clear it. Of course it isn't. "How are you?" he nods, asking me. "Do you think you can move on?"

I was about to say yes but Katniss blurts out, "No, he has to rest."

I'm glad she did, because I honestly could not even sit up in my state, let alone walk- or run, for that matter. I just wanted to say yes because I do not want me to slow us down, stall us. I look up at Katniss now. Her face is red from all the crying, but she is still as beautiful as ever. Still is as radiant as the sun.

Silence falls over. I clear my throat, stare at the sky, and ask no one in particular, "So, uhh, wh- who did it? Who brought me back from the dead?" _Dead. _Somehow the word affected Katniss, because she flinches at the said word. I patiently wait for a response.

"Finnick," Katniss finally says, with a hint of anger in her voice. "Finnick did it." She looks down at her feet. I'm confused, but soon after I know why. Katniss doesn't like owing people. She made it clear to me in our first games together, in the cave. She doesn't want to owe someone anything, especially the things that are special to her, the ones that hold a special place in her heart- like her family, and her life. _Special. _I smile at the thought. Does she consider me as someone special? Is she mad at Finnick because she owes my life to him, that he could save me, but she couldn't? Do I hold a special place in her heart? Did I finally do it? I smile inwardly to myself, and then that sensation comes to me again, the tingling and warm sensation inside my body. I try to suppress my smile, but couldn't. So instead I look away to hide it.

My cheeks hurt when I finally regain my composure. I look at Katniss and I see her already staring at me. Not at my face, but at my chest. I raise my eyebrows questioningly at her, but she doesn't see. "You could take my clothes off if you want, I wouldn't mind." I tease, with a hint of seduction in my voice. The comment throws her off and now she's laughing. And then Mags and Finnick joins in too. My joke somehow lightened the mood and so I laugh with them as well.

The laughter falters. I stare at Katniss now, and she's smiling - a _real_ smile. I long for that - that beautiful smile I once saw when she was out with her sister back at District Twelve, looking at the beautiful intricate cakes I made in front of the store. But her sister made that smile. Now I'm looking at her and her pure smile. It sent butterflies in my tummy knowing I made that smile. I was responsible for that smile. Yes I was. "_Ha! Take that, Gale!" _Thatwas all what my mind has conjured at that time. It seems childish, I know - but hey, I could think whatever I want now if I would die for her. Cut me some slack.

Before I could look away from her, though, she reaches out for my token - a gold disk that hangs from a chain around my neck. It's a locket, but she doesn't know it yet. It has her pin's design engraved on it, a mockingjay. She stares down at me.

"Is this your token?"

"Yes. Do you mind that I used your mockingjay? I... I wanted us to match," I say shyly.

"No, of course I don't mind." She blushes. I nod and smile.

"So you want to make a camp here, then?" Finnick asks, startling me.

"I don't think that's an option," I answer. "Sta—"I am cut off by Katniss' protest.

"No. We need to stay here, _you _need to rest, Peeta." She blurts out, her voice firm.

"But—"

"No more buts, Peeta. You need to rest, at least for the night. We have ample supplies for us to get us through the night." Katniss interjects, making her way to the fire Mags made.

I couldn't say anything because she is right, I do need to rest. Thankfully it is only for a night. I grab my supply kit and take out my sleeping bag, getting ready to go to sleep, when Katniss comes up and sits beside me. I sit up, painfully, but I don't mind. She tells me to lie back down, I object. We both look out in a different direction. After a while she rests her head on my shoulder.

"Katniss," I say softly.

"Hmm?" She mumbles.

"It's no use pretending we don't know what the other one is trying to do, you know." I pause, waiting for her answer, but none is forthcoming. _Bad idea, Peeta! _I think to myself, but I continue. She has to know. "I don't know what kind of deal you think you-you've made with Haymitch," I stutter now. "But you should know that he made me promises as well." An exasperated sigh leaves my lips. _And you made it worse. Wow! Congratulations Peeta, I now give you all of the awards for being the dumbest boy in the planet! _With this thought, I still continue, persistent- although my voice is lowered to a whisper now. "So... so I think we can, you know, assume he was lying to one of us." _BAM! And there goes the deathblow._ I swear I could've killed myself. I am so embarrassed and nervous I could actually just throw myself back into the force field. I am about to stand up and leave – ashamed that I even thought about the idea, much less engaging it into a conversation - when Katniss grips my wrist. _Ouch. That hurts. _It turns out my little speech was effective, as the idea finally gets through to her. A double deal. A double promise. With only Haymitch knowing which one is real.

"Why are you saying this now?" She stares at me. I plop myself down in position so her beautiful grey eyes bore into mine. I am lost at it for a while, but quickly reacquire control. Both my hands encase hers now; beautiful and fragile. She drops her gaze.

"Because I don't want you forgetting how different our circumstances are." She stares at me again, somehow quizzically. "If you die, and I live, there's no life for me at all back in District Twelve." Another sigh. "You're my whole life, Katniss. I would never be happy again." My voice is strained now – tired, helpless, and tense. She starts to object but I put a finger to her lips. "It's different for you. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard, it's just... there are other people who'd make your life worth living." I manage to say the last sentence in a hushed whisper and then I stop. My voice is gone. I'm crying now. _Peeta Mellark - the boy who can lift a hundred pound sack of flour over his head - is breaking down in front of a girl. _"Pathetic!" I could hear my mother say it now, disgusted at my state. But I don't care, because I want all of Panem to see what the Games have made all of us into. How tragic our fate is. _The star-crossed lovers from District Twelve._ My head is throbbing again, probably from all the talking and crying. I grip my temples, trying to force away the pain, but to no avail.

"Peeta, I—"Katniss says, comforting me, but I stop her. She looks at me now, a bead of tear welling up in her left eye. I don't want to see her like this, so I wipe my tears away and smile at her. A sad, reassuring smile.

I pull out the chain with the gold disk from around my neck. I hold it in the moonlight so she can clearly see the mockingjay. She stares at it intently as my thumb slides along the locket's latch and it pops open. I show her the pictures. On the right side, her mother and Prim, laughing. And on the left, Gale. Actually smiling. She looks like she's about to break down again, but she manages to keep her composure.

"Your family needs you, Katniss," I finally say after seeing her sad face. I couldn't bear seeing her sad, but I had to do it. Had to or I wouldn't- couldn't convince her to stay alive, to win this. For her family. For Gale. I realize now that she loves him as she loves her family. After all, he _is _her family. And it hurts me to think that but I have to be strong. For her. One last time.

My intentions are clear- I am giving my life to her and Gale at the same time, and I just hope she catches on. I want to let her know that she shouldn't have any doubts about it.

_Everything._ That's what I want her to take from me.

"No one really needs me," I say, my voice firm and steady now, with no hint of self-pity. It's true. My family doesn't need me, they will mourn me, as well a handful of friends. But they will get on. Even Haymitch, with the help of a lot of white liquor, will get on. I look at Katniss, her expression unreadable. I had to say it, to convince her to live. For me. Because I realize only one person will be damaged beyond repair if Katniss dies. Me.

"I do," she finally says, "I need you." This takes me aback. I want to tell her that she needs to live for Prim. For her mother. For Gale. But instead I utter a string of entirely different words.

"Please live. For me." I am pleading now. But it is what happens next that takes me by surprise.

She kisses me. And this time it's real- well at least, it felt real to me. I feel that thing again; the sensation inside me grows warmer and spreads out from my chest, down through my body, out along my arms and legs, to the tips of my being. Instead of satisfying me, the kisses have the opposite effect, of making my need greater. I am no expert in hunger, but this, in its entirety, is exquisite.

I don't pull back, neither does she. There is no one to stop us but us, and we don't- not until the first crack of the lightning storm brings us to our senses. It wakes Finnick as well. He sits up with a sharp cry, his fingers digging into the sand as he reassures himself that whatever nightmare he was in wasn't real.

"I can't sleep anymore," Finnick says sitting up, clearly uneasy. "One of you should rest." Only then does he seem to notice our expressions, the way we're wrapped around each other. "Or both of you. I can watch alone."

I won't let him, though, after all that he has done for me and Katniss. "It's too dangerous," I say. "I'm not tired anymore. You lie down, Katniss." I lie again.

"Are you sure?" Her voice evident with worry.

"Yes." I kiss her forehead. Another lie.

She doesn't object as she slides into my sleeping bag, wrapping herself with the blanket, letting herself feel warm in this unbelievably cold night. I put the chain with the locket around her neck, and then rest my hand over to the spot where our baby would be. _Our pretend baby._ I frown at the thought, but quickly regain my composure. "You're going to make a great mother, you know," I say. I kiss her one last time and then I go back to where Finnick is.

I stare out into the open sky. Imagining the world with no Games, no Capitol. A place like the meadow I was just at- so serene and beautiful and happy. And I think: _This is it. This is the place where Katniss' child could be safe. _

The thought somehow made me feel more determined. It strengthened the idea I had in mind.

My wish. My _dying _wish.

I _will_ keep her alive. I _will _let her win.

Even if it means costing my life.

It's crazy, what love can do to someone, but I don't care now. Because if she dies and I win, I wouldn't have anything to live for. A huge part of me will die with her. But if I die and she lives, she would be going home to Twelve, to her family. Be happy. Marry Gale. Live happily ever after. It sounds cliché, I know.

I see Finnick staring at me now, intently.

"What's the matter?" I ask.

"You really love her, don't you?" He says. His question was out of the blue.

"Yes. I really do," I say moments after.

"You really want her to win." He says. It was not a question, but rather a statement.

"Yes, I really do want her to win." I say.

"Even if it costs you your life?" He asks after a while, looking at me curiously.

A long pause follows, and I let out a sigh.

"Yes. Even if it costs me my life," I finally say.

And I mean it.


End file.
